WITH PSYCHIC BOB
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Mercury moves into the house of repressed memories, so now is a good time to ask your parents why Uncle Frank is never invited to family gatherings
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Those really are magnificent balls.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
With a quartet of planets in your horoscope's most creative zone, you'd think you could come up with something other than your normal derivative shit.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Nobody ever gets over their first love, but a chance encounter this week will make you realise that they very quickly got over you.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Mars, your ruling planet, helps Aquarius move into sheltered accommodation.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Facebook, Twitter, MySpace – how many more ways do you need showing that nobody cares about you?
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Venus crosses your threshold for an epic, four-month stay, but still can’t remember to pick up his coffee cup and take it back into the fucking kitchen. What is his problem?
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Just a thought, but have you considered threatening to kill one every hour until your demands are met?
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Saturn moves into Jupiter and asks you to sort out that hairstyle and for christ's sake get some new glasses.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
The direct motion of Mercury in your house clears away recent crossed wires and confusion. So why couldn’t BT do the same?
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
That feeling you've had since childhood that you were destined for something special will be borne out this week when you are slaughtered by an infamous serial killer.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
It is unusual looking, but if you can still use it to pee, I would not worry too much.